THE SQUEALING . . . THE MOVIE?

Most of you won't know (or care) what I'm talking about, but I know at least two people who would titter like happy schoolgirls at the concept (yes, Dustin and Dana, I'm referring to you).

For those of you in the dark, in February 2004 I wrote a short story called "The Squealing," intended for an anthology of humorous horror stories about stereotypically chauvinist men. The tale (which at first seems to be an homage/spoof of the Universal Wolf Man movies) involves Duane, a redneck romeo who romances (sorry about the alliteration, folks) a young Gypsy girl at an autumn carnival. Said romance culminates in an extended (and graphic) anal rape scene; after which, the Gypsy casts a curse on Duane: "When the moon is full, your true nature will be revealed." (Something like that, I don't have a copy handy.)

Which of course sets up the show-stopping transformation scene in which Duane turns into . . . a pig. And then things get really bad.

The story was a blast to write, and the climax contains my favorite line of dialogue ever (a snippet that caused endless delight among Team Grant on slow-queue days). But there were problems.

My biggest mistake was plotting the story in advance and shoehorning the characters into it, rather than letting them develop their own course of events. There was a subtle stilted quality to the prose that always bothered me (which, perversely, does not pertain to the aforementioned rape scene), and it was way too long.

None of these flaws were pointed out to me by my writer's group, as it was rejected by our moderator (a first for him) as being "too raw for general discussion." Yes, I was so delighted that I repeated that phrase ad nauseum for weeks on end--and will gladly use it whenever possible. It was a shame, though, it would've been fun for certain members to say, "On Page 11 when your protagonist forcibly sodomizes the girl, is there a better description than 'He spread her cheeks, revealing the prize within'?" Alas, such is life.

It seemed as though the story was going to be nothing more than a private joke among friends, and although it was fun to reduce Dustin to giggles just by saying "Pork chops," I really wanted the story to succeed, not to mention find a suitable venue.

I got to thinking about how to improve it last week, when I was corralling a snake in the lobby (it seems the welcome mat is a mite bit warmer than the field out back). I figured the story might be salvageable if I did a page-one rewrite and tried to retain as many tasty bits as the new form would allow. There were some structuring problems that kept nagging me, until it hit me that the story could probably work, and work better, as a screenplay. A perverted little short that could serve as festival fodder and promotional material.

Of course, that would mean those tasty bits would have to be recycled into another story (I don't care how this sounds, that forcible sodomy was GOLD). But I think "The Squealing" would make a great short, sort of a demented variation on the beloved TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE episodes from my misspent youth.

Only one way to find out, I suppose.

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And while we're on the subject of writing, I've got some exciting news on the horizon. Nothing earth-shattering, but still pretty cool. I'll of course keep you posted when the time comes.

Join me next week as I describe the joys of standing in an empty lobby and shouting "I WANT THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES OUT OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING THEATER!"