HOW "LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD" LOST ME AFTER ONE REEL

One of the many perks of working at a movie theater is being able to sample movies without investing $7.50 and 2 hours on a complete bombfest. Case in point: LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD.

I was a bit disheartened to learn of a fourth sequel to DIE HARD, my all-time favorite action movie and arguably the best action flick in the last 20 years. I was not at all impressed to learn the studio was leaning toward a PG-13 rating for broader appeal (how much more appeal do you need?). But it wasn't until I discovered the movie was being directed by Len Wiseman (responsible for UNDERWORLD and its sequel) that I truly despaired.

I decided to give it a chance. So last night during the final set of my shift, I pulled a stool next to the projector, fired it up, and hoped for the best.

Disappointment came roughly three minutes after the opening credits.

It all starts when we meet up again with John McClane, rescuing his daughter from the hormonal advances of her not-boyfriend. Father and daughter argue without actually saying anything--she's pissed at him, without really giving any idea as to why--before storming off, reminding John that her last name isn't McClane, it's Gennero. (Gee, that's familiar.)

And while I'm thinking about it, why is it that when the hero of an action film needs to save a relative, usually a child, the rescuee is introduced as such an utter shit? Can't filmmakers present us with someone we'd actually like to see rescued? If you've seen the trailer, you know McClane's daughter is kidnapped by the bad guys, but from what I could see, they were doing the guy a favor.

The plot gets set in motion when McClane is dispatched to New Jersey to pick up a computer hacker for questioning. What he doesn't realize is that the hacker is under surveillance by a team of assassins, the high-tech kind you used to find in Dean Koontz books. This sets up the first action setpiece of the movie, and the beginning of my contempt.

The assassins open fire, and McClane responds in kind as they try to escape the building. Waiting for an elevator as the gunmen are approaching from around the corner, McClane pulls a fire extinguisher from the wall. Now, if I were in a similar predicament, I'd wait for the bad guys to come around the corner, shoot them, and be on my merry way.

This is why I'm not an action star.

Because apparently the proper thing to do is to roll the fire extinguisher down the hallway, and, in a perfect choreography of timing and marksmanship, shoot it just as it reaches the gunmen. The resulting blast will throw them through a window, where they of course land on a conveniently-parked car.

Great, I'm thinking, they just shoehorned John McClane into a shitty video game.

But the stupidity has yet to kick into high gear, because McClane and the hacker are then cornered by one of the high-tech assassins in the hacker's apartment.

Now, I'm not a hired killer, but if I were, I imagine I'd wait until I had my target in sight, draw a bead on him, and take him out with a single shot.

This is why I'm not a paid gunman.

Because apparently the thing to do is thrust the barrel of your gun into approximately the same room as your target, and sweep the place with gunfire and until you eventually kill someone or run out of ammo, whichever comes first. Usually the latter, giving the hero ample time to pop up and put one through your forebrain as you attempt to reload.

By this point in the flick I'm seriously contemplating finding something more constructive, like dusting projector lenses or organizing the pissy e-mails Disney's been sending us (more on that later).

I decide on this course of action when one of the high-tech assassins begins chasing McClane in a manner more suited to Mario in a Donkey Kong game, leaping from rooftop to rooftop, descending toward the ground by dropping from one fire escape to another in complete disregard for the laws of physics and the human anatomy.

Don't get me wrong, movies--especially blow-'em-up action flicks--require a suspension of disbelief. Of course I don't believe this shit's really possible, but cut me some slack, will ya? (This mentality of "We're a huge summer blockbuster so everything has to be big-big-BIG, logic be damned" is also what caused me to bail on OCEANS 13 at the mid-point.)

What made the first DIE HARD so effective was that the action scenes grew organically out of the situation and McClane's surroundings. Yes, there were spectacular set-pieces and some moments are far-fetched (the elevator shaft sequence, for example), but the script and direction worked hard to earn that suspension of disbelief. They delivered the thrills required for a big-budget action movie, yet kept it realistic enough to avoid insulting its audience, and gave us characters were more than cardboard villains and sounding boards for Bruce Willis's quips.

And don't even get me started on EVAN ALMIGHTY.

Yippy-ki-yay, motherfuckers.